Glamour
My Friend Teddi Mellencamp
In a Glamour exclusive, Kyle Richards interviews her close friend and former Real Housewives costar Teddi Mellencamp about their close bond and where Mellencamp is finding support after being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma.
Teddi Mellencamp had already had more than 17 different spots of melanoma removed when doctors found multiple brain and lung tumors in her body earlier this year. Through the emergency brain surgery, radiation, immunotherapy treatment, and recovery process that followed, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills alum and Two Ts in a Pod podcast host was surrounded by a support team made up of her family and close friends, including her RHOBH costar Kyle Richards.
“Kyle was one of the first people there for me when I got sick,” Mellencamp tells Glamour. “She made sure I was getting proper care, and she was there for me in the hospital every single day. Recently my family was like, ‘Why don’t you move home?’ And I said, ‘What do you mean? My family is in LA.’”
Below, Richards sits down with the friend she calls a sister to discuss their close bond, what support can look like in difficult times, and what comes next for Mellencamp.
Obviously, reality television comes with its ups and downs. It’s very hard to maintain your friendships on a show, let alone establish a solid one. But from the moment Teddi Mellencamp joined the series, in 2017, we had an instant bond that stands strong to this day. I always say Teddi’s the best thing that ever came out of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for me.
I think people are surprised at just how strong of a friendship we have. She’s a sister to me. She’s family. I share everything with her, and I trust her with my life. She makes me laugh like nobody else. Even when she was sick in the hospital, she could still make me laugh so much. I’ve had friendships with other Housewives, but with some of them I still had to be a little cautious. With Teddi, there was never any of that. It was automatic: We’re friends, and we trust each other. It feels like we’ve been friends our whole lives.
But there are so many things people don’t realize about Teddi. She has this persona we call Revved Ted. It comes out when something gets her worked up. Teddi also has the biggest heart, and she’s an extremely honest person. She’s extremely intelligent. She’s an amazing writer. I don’t tell her that enough, what a good writer she is. She’s also an incredible mother and friend.
I think when people get to know Teddi at first, like they did on Housewives and her podcast, they only see one side. I’m fortunate to know the real Teddi and all the many aspects of her personality. Teddi comes off so strong that I don’t think people realize she’s a very sensitive person. She masks it very well, but she is. When Teddi was sick, people would sometimes still say mean comments. I’m like, What is wrong with people? She is sensitive, and she’s a human being. We all are. She comes across so tough that I think people forget that.
So here’s an opportunity to get to know my friend Teddi.
Kyle Richards: Teddi, where do you find support or self-care when you’re at your lowest?
Teddi Mellencamp: I think the old me would have said, “I’m working out every day! I’m doing this and that….” I’ve found a lot of support in my friendships and my children, but I’ve had to learn throughout all these different diagnoses, with not feeling my best and not physically being able to do all the things I want to be able to do, the power of no.
The fact that I have the strength to say, “No, I can’t. I physically can’t do that”—and having people in my life that support those nos—has been incredible. I always had the fear that if I say no, it may be the last time they ask, or maybe I won’t get that next job, or what if I upset my friend, my kids, or whomever it is? But everyone in my life has shown up and said, “Teddi, that’s something you need to do, and you’ve always needed to do it.” It has changed my life, being able to say no.
With self-care, I love to take a good bath. I love to go on a walk with my friends and laugh. I love to ride horses. On the days I’m feeling good, I try to do all the things that I know are going to bring me happiness because each day isn’t guaranteed. I may wake up one day and feel amazing, and then the next feel terrible. So I take advantage of those moments when I feel good.
Even before you were sick, I was always telling you, “You need to say no more.” I think working out was, yes, for you—but you were also thinking about all the people who looked to you because of what you do. I think there was a bit of yourself that felt like you weren’t just letting yourself down, but them too.
Working out for me before was what gave me strength, even if it was for others. Now, being transparent with how hard it is has given me more strength. When I was trying to be like, “I can do this, I can do that, everything is perfect…” that’s what you saw of me on the first couple of seasons on Housewives. I wanted to give the illusion that life was perfect. And you know what? It’s not. But there are days and there are moments that are perfect, and I want to hold onto those. I don’t want to forget those. I’m trying to enjoy the life that I do have now and know that each day is something new.
What is it like parenting through your treatment and what you’ve been going through?
Some days are extremely difficult, because I can still remember what I used to be like before and I want to still be all of those things to my kids. And I can’t. I am so lucky that I have such smart, loving, resilient children who have been there for me through all of this. There are some days where I’m at every single activity and feel like the old me. But there are others where I cry and get upset. I feel hurt and so sad that I have to write on a piece of paper what my kids’ days are going to entail, and none of it involves me because I can’t do it. Some days I can’t even write on the paper. Parenting has been a lot of communication with my kids, my friends, and my family, saying, “This is what I need.”
Going to my dad’s house for the Fourth of July this year, I knew I couldn’t fly there alone with the kids. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to do that. My past self would’ve been like, Don’t be weak, you can do this—don’t let your kids know that you can’t do this. It’s now about being honest with my kids. “Hey, Mommy’s not feeling good today. I’m sorry. I really wanted to be there for this, but I can’t. I love you so much, and this is how proud I am of you.”
It may sound silly, but the old me thought watching a television show with the kids wasn’t quality time. Now I have such a different view on things. We pick a favorite show and watch it together, and we laugh and get obsessed. It doesn’t have to be running around all the time. It can be us just in the moment.
What do you wish more people knew? About what it’s like going through this, and how it’s affecting you.
One of the biggest things that I wish people knew is that you’ve got to plan ahead of time. You don’t need to wait until you’re sick to do things like life insurance. Have those hard conversations with your family, because you never know when it’s going to come. And also, trust your gut instinct. There was a long time that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t go to the doctor. I thought I had migraines, I thought I was going through menopause. I had self-diagnosed myself with 500 things. And then one day, I couldn’t stand up. It’s really being an advocate for yourself and your health if you’re not feeling good.
Now, something I’ve really struggled with is that I thought I was going to get those good results and feel 100% like myself again. And I don’t. I’ve had to come to terms with the new normal and know that it’s okay if I forget a word, if I feel really tired. I’m still really proud of myself. It’s okay to be disappointed that something can’t happen, but still very proud that you’re showing up for you.
What keeps you grounded in your daily life and helps keep things feeling normal for you?
I know when I’m feeling my best is normally around mid-morning, so during that time I try to be there as much as I can for the kids. That’s when I try to respond to text messages and make sure that I’m getting my work done too.
Opening up has been such a big thing, because I used to mistake so much for weakness where now I don’t. When I’m feeling bad, I don’t feel weak. I feel like, “I can’t control this.” For the first time in my life, I can’t control something.
And that’s very hard for you.
That’s very, very hard for me. So when it comes to feeling grounded, it’s knowing that things are out of my control at this point. When people are around me now that used to be around me before, they’re like, “You seem a lot more calm than you used to be.” It was because I had so much anxiety about wanting to make sure everything was just so, and I can’t do that anymore. Yeah, I still get Revved Ted, but it’s different. I try to save it for things that really matter.
How can others show up for people in their lives after they get a challenging health diagnosis?
I never love when people say “we” when it’s involving me and being sick. Like, “We are going to get through this.” When somebody would text me and ask a question, that felt like work. “How are you?” felt like work to me to respond. But if somebody said, “Hey, Ted, love you. Thinking about you. Here if you need me,” I was so happy to respond to that because it didn’t feel like pressure.
Yeah, you did not like being asked questions, especially when you were in the hospital. That was when you were peak Revved Ted.
Peak Revved Ted was also on steroids.
After you’d just had your surgery and were on steroids, we had to remind each other—your support group—that we were going to get our feelings hurt sometimes. That you wouldn’t always be in a good mood, and steroids can make you feel angry or aggressive. And then I spent the night there, and you woke up and looked at me and said, “What are you still doing here?” And I was like, “I don’t want to be here either, Ted!” I was like, Uh-oh, I’m getting my feelings hurt…
Yet the day before I thought I had solved the Scott Peterson case.
So maybe we should warn people about that—just tell your friends, “I may not be that nice all the time, but I still love you.”
It’s so true. I’ve almost blocked out those types of things that I was doing because some of it I truly don’t remember. In my mind, I was in the hospital for three days. How long was I there? Nineteen days?
It was a long time. It felt like you pretty much lived there.
An amazing thing that you and our friend Jen suggested, that changed a lot for me, was to integrate me back into real life. Instead of going directly from the hospital back to the house, I stayed elsewhere and had the kids come to me. I think if I hadn’t done that, I would've gone right back to all of my old habits. I compare it to when I got out of the Big Brother house. I felt so turned around, like, I have to do 1 million things because I haven't talked to people in four weeks. I needed to slow down, and that forced me to. I’m really grateful for it.
You also were concerned about your kids and parents seeing you while you still had those staples. It was sort of like, Let’s ease them into it and have them visit when you were feeling at your best.
I was worried about my kids seeing me and me not being able to remember certain things or not being able to have the same type of conversations we used to have. And then, I don’t know if it’s vanity or human nature, but there was a part of me that was concerned about my physical appearance in regards to seeing my friends or going out in public. I still work on it, and there’s moments where I feel shame, like, Wow, this is as good as it's going to get today.
You have to be okay with things changing like that. I mean, I still use sarcasm a lot to get through some of the pain. I’m lucky that I have friends that aren’t like, “Don’t say that.” They’ll laugh with me, because it makes it easier.
How do you work through those feelings of shame when they come up?
Laughter. Recently I had a bunch of friends come over, and we did a wig party. We all just sat around and laughed and joked, and the second I got tired, I said, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” Being able to laugh and joke, and not take things as seriously as I used to in those moments, has helped. I attribute a lot of that to my friends and my kids being able to know what makes me laugh. They know what I need. That’s why you’ve got to have the close ones close by.
When I had all those friends around, I could see that I pick a certain personality type for my friendships. They’re all strong, and we have similarities in a certain way that really works. They’re the same ones that were at the hospital when I would say, “What are you doing here? I’m very busy.” And they’d be like, “What are you busy doing, Teddi?” And I’d be like, “I don’t know, but I’m busy, busy, busy.” I was trying to do the podcast from the hospital and my friends and family had to take my phone away from me.
We had to lock your phone.
I thought the second I got out of having brain tumor removal surgery that I should be documenting it. And Kyle, you were pulling the phone from me, like, “Absolutely not.”
Are there any milestones you’re looking forward to?
I’m patiently awaiting the day that I go into the doctor’s office and they say, “You’re cancer-free.” I thought that when my tumors were shrinking that it meant that I would go back to feeling like the old me and that I was done.
Other milestones I’m looking forward to? I don’t want to take for granted things like the fact that I was able to go away with my kids for the Fourth of July. That’s a pretty big deal, considering a couple months ago I didn’t know if I was going to get out of that hospital. I don’t look ahead that much. I try to keep it more present. I have smaller milestones. I get excited for the kids, about riding horses, or if I book a new job—all the things that used to get me excited still get me excited, because it shows what I can do.
I’ve always been a worrier my whole life and suffer from anxiety. You also have anxiety, but in a different way. And I was so struck by how calm you’ve been throughout this. Of course you have difficult days, but you seemed almost positive about the outcome. I’ve always wondered, where did that come from? Was that an act, or did you really believe that? And if so, how did you get there?
Part of it was me not knowing the negatives of the situation and just going off my gut feeling. Something inside me told me, “You’re going to survive. You’re going to make it through this.” Of course I have days where I feel doubt and feel worried, but I just told myself to keep showing up. I had a conversation with someone who told me, “I had the same cancer as you, and I didn't leave my bed for six months to a year. How are you doing this?” And I said, “To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know that was an option.” I’ve always struggled with anxiety, and I can get depressed. So I was always concerned with making sure that my mental health was as good as possible. I would make sure on the days that I felt good, I accomplished the things that I knew would give me more strength.
One last thing—and this is so shallow in the whole scheme of it all—but you were so worried about everyone seeing you without hair. And every single person when they would walk in would say, “I cannot believe what she looks like.” You look so beautiful without hair, it’s crazy. Who knew all these years, you were worried about having a good hair day, and you didn’t even need it.
Like that time when we went out and you asked me how your hair looked.
Yeah, that was a low moment. I forgot you didn’t have hair.
And then right away, you looked at me and said, “Oh shit.” We both started crying laughing because it’s just something we’re so used to doing.
Yeah, asking somebody if your hair looks okay when they don’t have any was an oops moment.
You know what? I think I’ve had bigger oops moments. But no, with the hair, it’s weird the things that would upset me. People would write to me, “Why did you shave your head?” I remember getting really upset by it because I’d be like, “I lost my hair. I shaved the parts that I didn’t lose.”
You had to shave your hair first to have the surgery.
Correct. Those little comments can sometimes get to you. Making jokes the way that you and I were just doing, that’s completely different. But for a stranger to write to me on the internet and say, “Why would you shave your head? You were so pretty with long hair.” It would hurt me inside. One, this wasn’t a choice. Two, why would you write that? Now I just really don’t have the patience for it. Some days I’m having a cute shaved-head day, and I don’t want to wear a wig. And some days, I’m like, This is absolutely a wig day. Today was a wig day.
How has your relationship with your body, with your looks, changed?
Before, I was so physically fit, I could run a marathon without training. They’d be like, “Do you want to run a half-marathon tomorrow?” And I’d be like, “Yeah, sure.” Now I don’t have as much physical strength as I used to. I’ll be trying to open a tea and can’t and it’ll frustrate me. I’m just trying to give myself a little grace. Thankfully, I’ve gotten pretty used to being bald. I remember just getting out of the hospital and thinking that I needed a spray tan. And I colored my hair.
This is what happened when we left you unattended—a spray tan and coloring your hair when the staples weren’t even healed yet.
I mean, these are the things that you do. There was so much of my identity tied to how I physically looked. Now it’s more tied to how I physically feel.
Any last things you want to touch on?
Something I really want to drive home is, get your life insurance before you’re sick. I can’t get it now. I always thought, I’ll do it when I’m older and then never did. I couldn’t get it back in the days when I only had melanoma on my shoulder. If you get anything from this interview, it’s to get yourself some life insurance and some friends you can laugh with.
Can I add something else? When you were first diagnosed with melanoma, you were very diligent about going back for your checkups all the time. Another one would pop up, and you’d take care of it. Then another one would pop up. You had a total of how many on your back?
I think I had 17.
I’d say if you have that much melanoma, and it’s that aggressive, ask for a brain and lung scan or places where it could have spread. That wasn’t ever brought up to you. You were walking around with eight tumors in your brain, four of them the size of plums. I know not everyone is in the position to ask, with insurance, but check if you can.
When you go to a doctor, you just assume that’s it. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. At first, I didn’t even really do the research on melanoma because I didn’t want to know all of the bad things. But there’s a difference between self-diagnosing yourself and being an advocate for your own health. I never really thought about it because I was like, I go to a doctor every three months. Why wouldn’t they get me checked? My highest melanoma on my shoulder was stage one. When I finally followed up on it, they were like, “We didn’t do the scans, because you didn't have anything above a stage one on your body.” But look what happened.
I think the other thing is having somebody that’s able to—whether it’s your friend, your sister, your brother, whoever it may be—keep track of information. It’s not like you come out of the hospital and they’re like, “Here’s your booklet of your how-tos and all your medications.”
It takes a team of people. We literally have a group chat to keep track of everything, because we knew you wouldn’t be able to remember, especially in the beginning of all this.
For people reading this, if they have a family member or a friend and something like this comes up: A great way to help is to just keep track of things. I’m so lucky that I have a great team right now, but I still to this day need to double-check things. I’m being treated for cancer at the moment, and the other day I was like, “When was the last time somebody checked my skin?” And it had been over the time.
The doctor would come to talk and all of us—myself, our friends, your dad, your dad’s assistant—and we’d listen and afterward be like, “Wait, what did this mean? Did you catch that?” It would take all of us piecing it together to be able to feel like we had all the information.
Yeah, having advocates and knowing that it’s okay to do your research without self-diagnosis are big.
The only other thing I want to add is that even if you’re physically not feeling up to a workout, a fresh-air walk has really helped me. Clearly, I’m not baking in the sun, but I’ll wear my dorky sun hat and keep my skin covered and get fresh air. And one of the biggest things that I’ve picked up—I totally forgot that I do this, but I do it almost every day now, which was not in my day-to-day regime before—is swimming. For whatever reason, being in water and being able to have fresh air have been two major things.
Your sun sign is Cancer. You need that water!